this year's wrecking season is already beginning to take its toll on my mind and body

it's friday afternoon and i find it hard to get anything done. there is so much to edit, research and write about. when i'm overwhelmed and anxious it's hard to gain traction and build momentum enough to feel in control again. as of this writing, i'm exhausted by trying to keep up with so many "portals to the past" opening up all around chicago.

just when i'm making a little bit of progress in my off-time, i'll receive a phone call or text about another building faced with death, or a large assemblage of 19th century "trash" discovered during an excavation. that is exactly what this week has been about -- i hear it in my head, a mantra of "start and stop" playing over and over. the unceasing pace of demolition only adds to the weight, mental and physical, of this pursuit. i find the drive to be everywhere at once is uncontrollable, and must attempt at least to document, if not save, what will imminently vanish. every day it seems i'm on the work-site, engaging in the arduous cycle of document-deconstruct-document, trying to build the most exhaustive narrative, that will give each object and building the story it deserves -- whether it's unearthing pavers from the site of the haymarket riots or discovering hand-hewn sill plates resting under a chicago cottage built shortly after chicago became a city, i am there with my camera.

i knew going into this week that there would be a number of concurrent projects, sites to document all while still being consumed with editing images from last week's discovery of a time capsule. with demolition activity heading into peak season, i can feel time slipping away, and the biggest exertions of energy are in attending to demolitions happening simultaneously, on a daily basis. it's rather akin to a game of "whack-a-mole," though instead of being frivolous and fun, it is overwhelming, as if i was submerged in the game, on a board the size of a football field where i am unable to stay ahead of the popping heads. the only time i have to escape and reset is usually filled with the ancillary work of editing and processing hundreds of images taken at these demolition sites. i have to run my business as well, making sure it remains healthy, as it allows me to continue running around, documenting areas of chicago's  quickly vanishing 19th century urban landscape.

i will fully admit that i wake in the mornings feeling broken, with agonizing body pain and a head full of overwhelming thoughts. the sheer emotional toll of trying to be everywhere at once makes getting out of bed a real chore as of late. clearly, my burn-out rate has reached alarming levels, and the elusive "off" switch is buried deep inside, seemingly out of reach at all times. however, when i do escape the orbit of mounting anxiety and despair over falling behind, i find myself freely floating in "the zone," where i'm happy just doing what i do best; photo-documenting and salvaging dying buildings, in order to build a worthwhile story that can occupy the space where they once stood.

thousands of images to edit...

if i make it through today, i hope to ease into a weekend where i can shut it all off (at least to some extent, to avoid feeling the need to crawl out of my skin), and i might just have enough time to recharge my battery for next week-- which as of now, looks a lot more calm. i welcome the time when projects are more evenly spaced out. of course, a single phone call or text message could throw it all off balance, but we'll have to see if next week brings more of the same.